Well it has been a while and I needed cheering up. This joke is probably an acquired taste, just like whisky or beer. Or is it that you cannot remember that you had to acquire the taste through lots of practice. Every night for two weeks a man walks into a bar and orders three glasses of whiskey to be lined up in front of him. Finally, the bartender asks why he does this. The man says, “One shot for me and one each for distant friends.” One night he comes in and orders just two shots. The bartender is puzzled and asks, “Did one of your friends die?” The man says, “No, I quit drinking.”

Beautiful photograph, courtesy of Garry De Long  

Sorry it has been quite some time since I posted one of my regular 'man walks into a pub jokes' again.  This time the theme is bears. I unearthed these ones after digging deep. Many thanks to Studio Four in OZ.

A bear walks into a bar an says to the bar tender, “I would like a bourbon and...... a coke.” The bar tender says “What’s up with the big pause?” The bear said “I’ve had them all my life”

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.”

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.”

The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.”

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.”

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.”

The bear says, “I’m NOT on drugs.”

The bartender says, “You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.”

Two pieces of rope walk into a bar. First piece of rope goes up to the barman and asks for a drink. Barman says "sorry we don't serve pieces of rope". The second piece of rope was watching and so he went over to the corner of the bar and tied a knot in himself at the top. Then he splayed out all the strands of his rope. Going back to the bar to ask for a drink, and the barman said "Are you a punk"? to which he replied , "no I am frayed knot".

Woman walks into a cocktail bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one.

A nice quick and easy one to remember on New Years Day if you are feeling a little worse for wear.
William Shakespeare walks into a bar. The landlord says: "Get out! You're 'bard'."

I am hopefully not one for stooping into the crass world of tired beer puns and macho posturing. However, this did tickle me enormously.  Who knows here comes your novelty Christmas present. 

Beer pager helps you locate your misplaced beer!
After drinking several cans of beer, your brain would stop functioning properly, and you’d forget where you’d left your last can of beer. It’d be handy to equip your can of beer with a Beer Pager. When you fall into the situation of failing to remember where you’ve left your beer, just press the button on the remote control and your can of beer will respond in a belching sound and light up. Always leave the remote control in your pocket so you won’t forget where you’ve left it.

If you really want to part with your heard earned dollars, for something that may give you a whole ten minutes amusement then here is where to go gadgettastic

It has been a while and well overdue, so here goes with the latest and best 'man walks into a bar' joke.

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks: "So whaddaya got in the bag?" The man responded by reaching into the bag and pulling out a little man, about one foot high, and he sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and this time pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a piece by Mozart.

Now the bartender is extremely curious about this odd sight, so he asks the man: "Where the hell'd ya get that?" The man responded by reaching into the paper bag, but this time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke, then a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish," she says.

The bartender gets excited by having a wish from a real genie. He had always dreamed about it, but now it's actually happening. So without even hesitating, he says: "I want a million bucks."

So the genie nods her head and disappears in another gust of smoke. A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks. The bartender turns to the man and says: "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS."

To this the man responded: "No kidding!  Do you really think  that I would have ever wished for a TWELVE INCH PIANIST?!!"